anon let me ask you something… do you think i’m not? in fact, do you know anything about me beyond coming to my blog to send me a message to make me feel guiltier about something i already do? i know the answer to that one, because if you had come here with any other purpose you would see that i’ve been going through some hard stuff in my own life and to be honest with you, i have more messages in my inbox telling me about mari or asking me to check up on her etc than i do ones asking if i’m okay. and like, those weren’t easy things for me to say—some of my closest friends irl don’t know that shit, and i basically told it to hundreds people who are mostly strangers.
it comes down to this—i do my best. i talk to her whenever i can and like, it’s not a hardship at all because i love her and i want her to be okay. but i can’t carry it all on my shoulders, not just because it’s impossible but because it would help her more if you tell her that you care about her, and that you’re worried about her, other than me just saying it again and again and again and speaking for everyone.
um… i didn’t intentionally
i mean since i last posted basically i had surgery, moved into a new apartment, and had the flu, not to mention the fact that i’m taking 20 credit hours and about a week or two away from the mental breakdown about the future not to mention that i’ve been having money problems so there’s just a lot going on in my life right now
that being said, idk what really to do with this blog. i haven’t been more active on my sideblog as of late either because of all the stuff i just mentioned but that’s really where my heart’s been lately and blogs/news/etc about that fandom are what i’m keeping up with
i haven’t even posted by tsn big bang because i was having computer problems when my posting date happened so i lost a portion of it that i’ll have to rewrite, and i just haven’t had any time at all
so i don’t really know what’s going to happen with all this, i’m sorry
I liked the shows I went to; I wish I could go to more. But the thing I remember is the girls. New Jersey Transit runs special trains to the Meadowlands for MetLife shows, and they brought out extra staff to direct girls through the gates to Secaucus. Knots of New Jersey Transit staff in high-visibility vests, treating girls with kindness. ”I know you’re excited, just make sure you go through the gates one at a time,” a middle-aged guy with a mustache said, smiling, stopping girls and then waving them through so the timing stayed right and nobody got stuck in the gates. ”Have a good time!” When the train finally pulled into the station, teenage girls cheered. The men on the platform didn’t laugh, the conductors made sure to stand and answer everybody’s questions — yes, this is the right train, yes, you’ll get there on time. There was no air conditioning on the train, but nobody complained — everybody sat in their seats, and talked to their friends, and every couple of minutes someone would start singing. I remember when we were walking through Penn Station I had said, “Just think, the next train is going to be all One Direction fans.” It was the best train I’ve ever been on. During the show, Harry told us to hug each other, and we did. The lady checking tickets at the stadium, directing people to their seats: “Enjoy! Have a great night!” and the fans thanking her on the way out. Both shows, we kept saying how we had never been in a place where there were so many girls. ”I like the girl-to-guy ratio here,” Jamie said in Philadelphia. MetLife holds 82,566 people: they played Little Mix’s “Salute” and “Wings” to almost 82,566 girls. In the bathroom in Philadelphia, nobody stopped at the mirror to check their makeup; while I was peeing, I heard a little girl walk in singing: She said spread your wings, my little butterfly / Don’t let what they say keep you up at night. At the Meadowlands they turned the men’s rooms into ladies’ rooms, just hung ladies’ room signs over all the men’s room signs. ”Oh my god,” I said, walking in. ”They turned the men’s rooms into ladies’ rooms, because they knew it was going to be all girls.” ”This must be what it’s like to be a guy,” Isabel said. And that’s what I thought, the whole rest of the show, and all of Philadelphia: This must be what it’s like. To be the default. To be treated like what you care about is worthwhile. To not be looked down on, or told what to do. And then I thought, well, it’s because we’re all gathered here, in one place. This is happening. They can’t stop us, so they have to go along with it. In New Jersey, Liam stood on the catwalk talking about how amazing it was that they were playing stadiums, how amazing it was that the fans had done this for them, and then he laughed, like you do when you realized you just hit the heart of something: “I really think if you wanted to, you could take over the world.” I looked away from him, at 82,566 seats filled with girls and thought: You’re right. And you’re the only person telling us that.
here’s my poem that was published in an online lit mag along with the fictional bio in case you’re ever curious
🎈 happy 31st birthday, andrew! (august 20th 1983) 🎉
The Killers | Andy, You’re A Star
promise me she’s not your world
“It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too.” — Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club (via wordsnquotes)
Rosamund Pike and David Fincher on the set of 'Gone Girl' (Empire Magazine October 2014)
so one of my poems got published and the online lit mag wrote me a fake bio based on like the 4 poems i submitted which i’m posting because it’s hilarious. under the cut because it’s quite long…